I’ve seen thousands of healthy and troubled kids grow up in my pediatric practice. Now, many of those kids are adults and bring their kids to me. Because I know them well, we’ve had great conversations. Many are happy and successful, but some aren’t. And among those who struggled, there are common themes and phrases they use when talking about their parents.

Here are three that surface regularly:

1. Where were you?  

Every hurting child feels isolated and alone. Troubled teens say, “No one listens to me/I feel invisible/No one has time for me.” These aren’t just, ‘You didn’t make it to my concert a couple of times…’ – this is a consistent experience that Mom or Dad was not available for the child emotionally or physically. This happens when a parent’s priorities get out of whack – they work too much outside the home, focus too much on their own interests, are simply too tired to engage the kids or they suffer serious mental illness.

Second, a child may ask this if he was in a situation he should never have been in, i.e. at a friend’s home and was sexually abused. The problem may not have resulted from a…