Dear Dr. Meg,

How do I trust my 15-year-old daughter? She keeps breaking my trust over and over again in BIG ways. I don’t seem to be able to trust her. It’s weighing heavy on my heart and I know it’s crushing hers.

Any help you can give would be appreciated.

Thank you!

Paula

Dear Paula,

This is a wonderful question. I’m often asked by parents of teenagers about trust and how it’s established within their relationships. Here are my thoughts on this subject:

When it comes to using the word “trust” with a teenager, I really try to delete that word – and here’s why. A 15-year-old looks like an adult but from an intellectual and cognitive standpoint, (and certainly from an emotional standpoint), they are not an adult. In other words, your daughter can’t understand that if she performs action A today, that it’s going to lead to consequence B in 3 months or a year. That’s pretty abstract thinking for a 15-year-old.

Kids often don’t yet have the ability to understand the concept of trust the way a parent does.

I think that we set ourselves and our kids up for failure when we begin to talk with…